Everything and Happiness
by Kage no Aki
Summary: How much is love worth? Is it worth your happiness? Insight from Kagome


**Everything and Happiness**

Everything was always about you.

I guess that was partly my fault, it was only in my nature to be that way.

You never knew otherwise. You carried yourself like you wanted everything to be because with me, I would let you... Let you be yourself and anything you wanted that was within my own power which wasn't very much. I tried to keep you happy and it was worth every brash word, every yelling, every guilty feeling, every time you made me cry just to see you smile, to see you asleep with a full stomach, to see you peaceful. It didn't happen very often but I still took the unintentional abuse. I know you don't do those things on purpose that's why it's unintentional. I can see it in your eyes. The way you want to take back what you said if it didn't hurt your pride or façade. The way you cringe when you see my face twist. It hurt me. I'll never lie about that but I withstood it because I loved you that much.

A love that had more at one end than the other…

I knew you cared about me. It was obvious to everyone and I relished in it. I enjoyed it. Eventually love came following behind. You didn't mind me being there so much. You did things more openly. But I knew old wounds of the heart and I was jealous. If I ever asked you, there was always denial, loud and angry. I still knew better. There would always be something there that I could never erase or get rid of... something I could never have. This is where I grew content at what I merely had.

Everything was consistently about you.

You had things you had to do and as did I. Things grew apart because it just happened but you still loved me and it became your routine. I became your routine. I yelled, I screamed, I cried… because I didn't want to be your routine, I wanted to be loved. I watched everyone else, the way they were loved… The way I wanted you to love and care about me. But I knew you couldn't because you were different, you weren't like everyone else.

You were jealous of anyone who had my attention.

You yelled at him, you fought with and against him; you punched him because you were afraid he would take me away from you. You didn't know how to secure things except to fight him. It was natural logical thinking. If he died he would no longer be a threat to you. You didn't like the way he knew the words to make me smile. You didn't like the way he held my hands and confessed his attraction to me. You didn't like the way that all his friends thought I was beautiful. You didn't like the way he could make me blush. But I loved you and assured you that everything would be fine.

Everything revolved around you.

You were still bitter but my reassurance was really all you needed. You still fought him but there was no real fight behind it because you knew that you had already won the real battle. You got cocky. You treated me differently when you knew you couldn't lose me because I loved you too much to leave you like that. You took advantage of my love. You did things you knew I didn't like. You conveniently forgot things. Everything was a steady pace downhill because you knew that I loved you.

I couldn't stand it.

Everything exemplified itself then: when I watched couples kiss out of whim, when I watched the entwining of hands, when I watched a simple gesture of kindness, when I watched compliments pass each others' lips. Things I didn't have.

He grabbed my hand and told me how beautiful I looked that day.

Suddenly I could smell him. I could see his body. I saw how blue his eyes really were. I saw how he really meant those words. I felt the way he cradle my hands like they might disappear. I felt the warmth radiating from his hand. I was so aware of his presence than ever before.

And then you yelled at him and told him to get away from me.

You fought him like you usually did and he ran away but not before a huge grin cracked his face and he said farewell to me. You said a mumbled curse about men who always run away. He came back though. He always does. In fact he came back that night . It was raining and I offered shelter. You got mad and left like you always do.

You left me alone.

You left me alone with someone that would keep me company all the more because you left. We ate together. We chatted together. We enjoyed each others presence. I never got over how attracted I was to him but that's all I ever thought of it, he was just attractive. Then he told me that he was genuinely attracted to me. I told him no because after all, I always had you. He looked dejected but he still moved towards me. I didn't know what to do because I liked him.

He made me feel loved.

You came back sometime later still annoyed but no longer mad. He took his leave among our company and you were finally relieved in more ways than one. He gave a wider grin than usual right before he left and said that he would come by more often. You screamed at him. He just smirked and left.

And life went on.

He did come by more often. Sometimes you would stick as close as possible to deter him but he was always closer somehow. Sometimes you would try to get as far away as possible from him but you would always come back to check. Whenever you were gone, he asked me to leave you, to run away from it all and come with him. He told me he would take care of me better than you could. He told me he wouldn't make me cry like you did. He told me that he would love me better than you. I told him no, because I could never do that to you.

But he kept asking and you kept treating me the same.

I debated then. Maybe I didn't want to stay here anymore. Maybe I wanted to go. I wanted to go and be happy. Maybe he was really the one that I would be with... Then at night I would come and see how your nightmares plagued your sleep. I saw how the other people treated you and I couldn't bear myself to do it.

And then I realized your happiness was more important than mine.

Each denial came less and less wholeheartedly until it became a lie, a lie that I would always keep from you and for you.

But I can't stop the fact of your selfishness because I still love you.

I love you more than my happiness.

* * *

Questions/Comments/Critisism? I'll answer all. 


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